Harry Potter and the Deathly Hardcover
by Jasper Blood
Summary: When Lord Voldemort discovers that a Scottish writer is writing a series all about his arch nemesis, Harry Potter, he rounds up his gang of Death Eaters and concocts an ingenious plan. Major Harry Potter Bashing. Read and Review! One shot.


Harry Potter and the Deathly Hardcover

Disclaimer: Do not own any Harry Potter characters.

Quote that Harry says when talking in his sleep taken from the film _Young Frankenstein_.

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Voldemort's Evil Lair- Looking at a Barnes and Noble webpage

Voldemort's mottled fingers tapped the white keys one by one at a painfully slow pace.

"Oh blast this confounded, wretched thing!" he swore at the aggravating laptop. He glanced at his watch. "Oh come on! I'm going to miss my spa appointment!" He massaged his long fingers, staring disgustedly at the jagged, yellowed nails. "I don't know how I'll go on without my manicure. Now where is that book?"

He scrolled down the webpage for a few moments, until something mysterious caught his eye.

"New author, J.K Rowling, becomes outrageously popular…" he mumbled. "Welcome to the amazing wizarding world of Harry Potter. Hmm sounds interesting. Wait a second…. Harry Potter?" Immediately, he stood up and stormed away from the screen, unable to tolerate the sight of it. He pushed back his sleeve and pressed his fingers onto his own dark mark, summoning his band of death eaters. Almost instantaneously, Lucius Malfoy and Severus Snape appeared.

"Master," they chanted in unison. Voldemort stared at them, his black eyes radiating annoyance.

"Where are the others?"

"Bellatrix is on her way. The others…fled or imprisoned, your Excellency." It was Malfoy who spoke up. Voldemort rolled his eyes. He despised the pompous air about that man. Thinking he was better than everyone else, ha. And that idiotic crybaby of a son. Absolutely embarrassing, it was.

"Imbeciles," he muttered. His death eaters stared at him expectantly, dismissing his insult. He sighed.

"Alright, alright," he cleared his throat. "Death eaters, we have an extreme problem."

"What is it, my Lord?" they chanted in an unearthly voice. Voldemort could not help but shiver slightly. Those idiots scared the crap out of him on most days with their horribly monotonous voices. Ugh. And they weren't very cheerful. Their dull and drab attitudes could terribly mar a person's self-esteem, you know. He picked up the laptop and held it before them. He pointed to the screen with a long, spidery finger.

"This muggle moron has taken the very personality of our arch enemy, Harry Potter and put it down on paper!" *Horrified gasps*. "And what's more, it's a bestseller!"

"My lord, this is catastrophic!" Bellatrix squealed, appearing out of nowhere. Voldemort sighed.

"Well aren't you tardy to the party?" he growled. Bellatrix lowered her head like a whipped puppy.

"I'm sorry my Lord, but Narcissa," she shot an unforgiving glare at Lucius, who in return scowled at her, "kept me there. She's had another bout of hysteria."

Voldemort nodded, trying to keep his temper in check.

"I wonder who she got it from." He muttered. "Malfoy, brief your in-law. Anyway, this madness must be stopped. This muggle seems to know everything about us. She'll ruin our evil plans forever!"

"Yes!"

Voldemort looked at each of them. "So what do you propose we do, Death eaters?" At once, Bellatrix raised her hand and began jumping up and down like the annoying pre-schooler she was.

"Ooh, ooh, I know, I know!" she shrieked. Voldemort rolled his eyes.

"For God's sake, Bellatrix put your hand down!" Obediently, she straightened up and stood still.

"That's better. Now, what was your idea?"

"We could poison her!"

"Too boring."

"We could use blackmail." Malfoy suggested.

"She's richer than the queen of England, Malfoy. I don't think she'll give up millions of dollars just because of a single threat. Besides, I promised I'd lay off on the threats. They raise my blood pressure."

"Sire," It was Snape who spoke up now. "You said that this muggle is writing about Potter?"

"Uh…yeah why?"

"Sire, perhaps if we killed Potter, our problems would be solved. That Rowling woman would have nothing to write about since her star character was gone."

Voldemort clawed at his bald head. "Hmmm…not bad, actually." Bellatrix screeched.

"Awwww, I wanted to kill her! I did, I did, I did! Oh it would have been so much fun and"

"Shut up, you imbecile! We're going to kill Potter!"

Bellatrix whined persistently. Voldemort's eyes began to twitch with annoyance. "Alright, alright, you can kill him! We'll just supervise." Bellatrix squealed with delight, clapping her hands like a child. Voldemort shielded his eyes with his hands.

"When I signed up for this job, I was expecting an army of military geniuses, not a play group." He looked up at Bellatrix who stood beside Malfoy, the two of them poking each other like insolent siblings. "I should get paid for this." He turned to face his awfully puny band of Death eaters, resisting the urge to look away. They reminded him of his countless failures.

"Alright Death eaters, tonight we…death eaters? Death eaters? What the…" he looked at them closer. Malfoy and Lestrange were still pestering each other and Snape was reading a 'Chicken Soup for the depressed and lifeless man's soul' copy. Voldemort grumbled a few swears under his breath.

"Death eaters!" he roared. At once they all looked up from their activities. He sighed irritably. "What did I just say?"

"Uh….well uh…um…"

"I said, tonight, we kill Potter!" he snapped.

"Ooooohhh! Ok, yeah we get it now."

Voldemort slapped his forehead in exasperation. "Go, all of you! Meet at the Gryffindor dorms at midnight!"

Gryffindor Dorms- 12:00 AM

The small band gathered around the main entrance to Gryffindor dorms, guarded by the ever annoying fat lady. Not that it mattered though. In seconds, Voldemort had blasted through the portrait, ripping the obese woman to shreds.

"March," he whispered. The Death eaters remained where they were.

"I said, March!"

"But it's April." Bellatrix replied.

Unable to stand it anymore, he lifted his wand and whispered a spell. Green fire shot down Ms. Lestrange in a matter of moments, leaving her unconscious. He smiled. "Ah, peace and quiet." He looked to the other two, who stood in the shadows, secretly cracking up at the motionless body of Bellatrix. "Let's get to it then."

Harry Potter laid in his bed, whimpering in his sleep. "_Don't give me that. I don't believe in fate. And I won't say it. All right, you win. You win. I give. I'll say it. I'll say it. I'll say it. DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME! DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME…DESTINY, DESTINY...!_

Snape, Malfoy, and Voldemort loomed over him.

"What the heck?" Voldemort muttered.

"That sounds like something out of 'Young Frankenstein'." Malfoy commented

Snape shrugged his shoulders. "It was movie night in the dormitories last week."

"Ooooh." (Said in unison.)

"You watched that Lucius?"

"Of course, it was a classic."

"Ah. I underestimated your taste. Alright, let's do it."

"How?"

Voldemort hesitated. "Oh yeah, I hadn't gotten that far yet. Snape, what's a killing spell?"

"Uhhhhh….flesh-eating slugs! Hagrid bought it to fend the cabbages from the vile creatures. It will work on wizards too, no doubt."

"Genius!" the other men whispered.

In moments, Snape had found a gallon of flesh-eating slugs and with special gloves; the wizards coated the boy with the slimy creatures, watching for a few moments as they began their work. The horrid sucking noises were like music to their ears.

"Splendid." Voldemort cried as soon as they had escaped the dormitory. "Our job is done." But by this time, Bellatrix had awoken. She flailed at Voldemort but he stopped her with a finger.

"The boy is already slipping into death's clutches, Lestrange. Don't make me send you back to Azkaban." He hissed. Reluctantly, Bellatrix quieted down.

"But what if that doesn't stop the woman? What if she continues to write her filthy books! She'll ruin us! All of us!" she cried. Voldemort sighed.

"Alright, you can kill her then. We'll let you do it. Our job is done. Congratulations to you, Death eaters. That idiot boy has been vanquished and all our troubles have gone away." He said with a maniacal grin.

Next Day- Hogwarts

Harry Potter was found dead, his skin totally rotted away. All that was left was his skeleton, a jagged scar carved into the skull.

Several Hours Later- J.K Rowling's Book signing

"Mrs. Rowling?"

"Yes?"

"I just wanted to say a few last words to you before I leave."

"Of course."

"You're going to wish you never wrote those blasted books." She said with a nasty laugh.

*Horrified Gasps* "Bellatrix Lestrange! But you…you don't exist! I made you up! All of you! You're all…AAAAAHHHHHAAAAHHHH!"

**Here Lies J. K Rowling**

**R.I.P**


End file.
